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Supporting Your Child in Regulating their Emotions

by: Director of Lower School Rachel Dixon

If you are a current Rossman parent, you’ve probably noticed a category regarding “practicing self-regulation” on our report card. Or, perhaps you’ve heard from an educator that your child is working on developing their regulatory skills. You may find yourself wondering, what does this even mean? And how can I help my child with it?

 
Teacher helping a child talk through emotions
In my role, I am blessed to experience both the joys and challenges in the lives of children, and after nearly two decades of practice, I’ve learned quite a few tools to support a dysregulated child. Helping a child to regulate (we call this co-regulation) is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Let’s delve into dysregulation, why it happens, and how to help your child re-regulate their emotions.

 

What is dysregulation?
Per the Cleveland Clinic, “You can think about emotional regulation like volume control for your feelings….With emotional dysregulation, your brain can’t regulate emotional signals. In effect, your volume control doesn’t work like it should, making your emotions “louder” and harder to manage.”
 
What does dysregulatory behavior look like?
  • Impulsive behavior
  • Extreme or persistent irritability
  • Quick to frustrate over seemingly minor inconveniences
  • Manic state
  • Losing temper/angry outbursts
  • Mood swings
  • Anxious behavior
  • Difficulty managing stress

It is critical to note that absolutely everyone experiences moments of dysregulation. We all experience setbacks or have specific triggers or fears that cause outsized responses. “Hanger” is a real thing!

Child-friendly language around dysregulation can be about noticing the speed of your breathing or heartbeat, or the tone or volume of your voice. These signs offer physical cues that we might be heading out of an emotionally regulated space.

How do I help my dysregulated child?
  • Mirror back to your child a sense of calm and confidence. You want them to know that their emotions are valid and that they don’t frighten you. Use minimal language. Children in this state aren’t accessing their “thinking brain” and will not be able to rationalize with you or process much language, if any at all.
  • Find a safe and private space for them to process their feelings. If you are in public, see if you can identify someplace less busy. I am also a huge proponent of outdoor spaces when appropriate. Nature is one of the very best tools for grounding.
  • Offer to be with your child or offer them space. Every child is different in their needs. Some do best with an adult to help them co-regulate, while others prefer to have privacy to process their feelings.
  • Avoid blame or consequences in the moment. This does not mean your child shouldn’t be held responsible for consequences should some sort of infraction have occurred. Again, children in this state aren’t able to utilize the part of their brain that allows them to thoughtfully consider and receive anything of this nature.
  • As your child regulates, support them in naming their emotions and validating what they share. Our role as the trusted adults in the life of a child is to help them feel safe and heard.
  • Remind your child that all emotions are acceptable and that everyone experiences a wide range of emotions. You may even choose to offer a relatable example. Sometimes, the behaviors that accompany our emotions are not safe or appropriate and require a consequence. If necessary, identify an appropriate and logical consequence for such behavior. Again, wait until your child is regulated, but do not wait too long. It is important for elementary-aged children that consequences be close in time to the indiscretion for it to make a meaningful impact.
  • It is not unusual for some students to exhibit some dysregulatory behaviors from time to time as they are integrating new knowledge and skills. We call these periods of developmental disequilibrium. However, if you are receiving feedback that your child is struggling or you notice your child is prone to frequent or chronic episodes of dysregulation, it is time to seek support from a professional.