Raising Good Humans

by: Director of Lower School Rachel Fowle

Recently, my own twelve-year-old turned to me on a car ride and said, “Mom, you’ve worked with lots of kids. What do you think it takes to teach a child how to make good choices?” “How much time do I have?” I winked. I was struck by her question and considered, if I had to distill it down to a few takeaways connected to my own experience and what I know of child development, what would the main ingredients be? Here’s what I offered to my daughter–a reflection on two decades of experience working with hundreds of young children and parents.

1. Consistency is key.
   Rules and expectations for behavior should be relatively steady across various situations and circumstances. Sure, there are times when bedtimes are loosened, or screentime extended. However, key behavioral values (such as our Rossman Rules of kindness, honesty, respect, and responsibility) should always be enforced. Integrity is learned when children understand the importance of making good choices in all situations, regardless of who is with them, who is in charge, or what the environment looks like.
2. Follow through is essential.
   Children learn very quickly when we don’t mean what we say. If we do not actually implement articulated consequences, our words lose their power to shape our children’s behavior and decision-making. We’ve all had a moment where we have expressed to our kids that we will need to go home or take away a privilege if their behavior doesn’t change. Still, the follow-through and the ensuing disappointment, or even rage, can be hard to tolerate and it can feel easier to back down. Children must learn where the boundaries lie, and that they are non-negotiable.
3. Children must experience natural consequences.
   Buffering children from the discomfort that comes with a misstep ultimately robs them of a learning opportunity. We all make mistakes, and it is the discomfort that follows is what helps us to learn. Surely you’ve had the feeling of showing up unprepared for a test or having a friend be upset with us for doing the wrong thing. It’s that discomfort that helps us learn. As parents and educators, we support and validate the disappointment and frustration that comes from that feeling while brainstorming takeaways of what to do differently in the future.
4. Develop intrinsic motivation.
   How many times have we all heard the phrase, “What do I get if I do this?” Ultimately, we’d love for the answer to be, “The satisfaction of knowing that you’ve done the right thing.” For young children, we often have to lead with extrinsic motivation. Most of us have probably bribed kids into potty training with stickers or candy. For toddlers, this makes sense. Eventually, we want children to learn that we follow rules and make thoughtful choices because it makes the world a better place. If children are rewarded for desired behavior, they become less motivated to make positive choices without such rewards.

Stay tuned this semester for additional ideas on how to cultivate character in children!